Sometimes the answers are quite simple, aren’t they?
So, after my last post, where I simultaneously feared for and got excited about my ebbing sanity, I did manage to get something written. It’s not complete, not by a long shot. And my deep blue funk really had nothing to do with it. I just had a few rather beautiful turns of phrase rattling around in my head while I stood in the shower one night, and I made a point of writing them down.
So there’s that. I don’t know where it’s going, but at least it’s out of my head and in a file on my laptop.
I recently came to the conclusion that I’m never going to get any writing done unless I actually sit down and do it, whether I feel inspired or not. Back in my salad days I could count on the muse to show up pretty regularly, but my salad days were all about me and I had so few responsibilities. So I’ve made something of a semi-commitment to finding the time, even if it’s just half an hour, to writing something. Of course the commitment is classified as “semi” because I have good intentions but also a whale of a schedule. Baby steps, folks.
Still, I haven’t been able to shake my apathy. I’ve been feeling very much a drudge these days, what with the constant errand-running and schedule-juggling and general household-managing. I’m tired, folks.
I had my annual physical checkup this week and — in addition to getting an arm-numbing Tetanus/Pertussis booster shot — I got the first of a series of B12 shots. After having B12 numbers on the low side for a number of years, I am now depleted. This is known as Pernicious Anemia.
I do not recommend Googling any medical condition. But I did. I found a majority of the symptoms that have plagued me all summer, the ones I chalked up to burning the candle at both ends and possibly the beginnings of a larger problem (read: heart) as well as some pretty dire consequences for not taking care of the problem. If Dr. Google’s aim is to scare the beejeezus out of people, he’s doing a great job.
Oddly enough, once I had the problem identified and a course of action plotted, I allowed myself to finally – after five months – give in to it. To admit I was tired and apathetic and dragging and allow myself to sit still and wallow in my tiredness. I didn’t feel the need to push through it any longer.
My doctor tells me that after four weeks of B12 shots I should feel markedly better. And I’ll have to keep taking these shots from now until Kingdom Come. Fortunately with age and maturity I have made peace with the practice of needles going into my tender skin, though I would prefer it in my (ahem) fleshy hip rather than my bony arm.
2013 has just not been my year.