Ordinarily I don’t engage in the habit of self-bashing about personal attributes I have no control over, since I have a semblance of control of most things of that ilk. Notice I say a semblance of control, rather than saying I’ve got a grip on these things. I don’t have a grip, and mostly it’s because I haven’t made up my mind to have that grip.
Sure, there are things about myself that I’d like to change, and most of those things are changeable. The only reason I haven’t made the changes is that I’m flat-out too lazy, or busy, or frankly, the desire just isn’t strong enough to make me make the change. I mean, I could learn to play the piano but I don’t want to, so there’s no sense in heaving a big sigh about it.
I got to thinking about things I wish were different about myself last night, as I was driving through the pissing rain on my way to have dinner with my parents. If you’ve never had the kind of people in your life who believe you can do anything, you’ve missed out, let me tell you. And hey, double bonus if you’ve not lived up to your potential. But you know what? Most of the things I wished were different, I realized, could be different if I only had the time, the money, the will, and/or the commitment to make them happen. Change my hair? Fix my eyesight? Develop a tight, toned body? Learn to ski? All totally doable. Not necessarily easy, mind you, but doable.
It’s kind of hard to have a pity party when your conscience is so damned pragmatic.
So you will understand when I tell you that I felt kind of victorious when I hit upon two things that I cannot change about myself. I was all, ha! Rationalize that, Conscience!
You have to know that I am at heart a pessimist. I have a natural suspicion of most things, and boy if it’s too good to be true I can guarantee you that reality is just lying in wait to bite you in the ass. What can I say, it’s a gift. But I am married to an individual who is the yang to my yin, and damned if he isn’t the eternal optimist. He’s a big believer in setting your mind to something and accomplishing it. In his way of thinking, anything is possible. And man, is it ever hard to bitch and gripe around him, because he’s always looking for that stupid silver lining. If I’m all bummed about something and want someone to commiserate I don’t go to him.
So yeah, it’s kind of hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’ve been exposed to that kind of approach to life for better than 20 years. And I guess I could declare victory in a roundabout way by getting all depressed over things that I could change but don’t, but even I realize that’s a stupid way to think. I may be a pessimist but I’m not interested in abusing myself.
Oh, the things I would like to change about myself but can’t? The list is two:
1. I wish I were taller.
2. I wish I had a good singing voice.
Neither one of those things I can do anything about. Everything else is open season.
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