Let’s talk about deal breakers.
I have long maintained, and continue to believe, that in every relationship there are deal-breakers. Your family, your spouse, your friends, your job — all have certain non-negotiables that will put an end to whatever the relationship is. It works from both sides, yours and theirs. Most times these non-negotiables are mutually agreed-upon, unspoken, unwritten. Sometimes the non-negotiables only fall on one side.
I like to think of myself as fairly easy to get along with, though I have had my fair share of people to rub me the wrong way. Likewise, I’m sure I don’t necessarily please everyone all the time. I’ve screwed up my fair share of relationships.
I guess the point in your relationships where you call it quits is different for everyone, but speaking for myself, I have three criteria that would cause me to bail on my relationship with my husband: abuse, infidelity, and snakes. Maybe not everyone would agree with me on those, and I’ve heard tell about people who have had these things in their marriages and managed to come out on the other side. Which I guess is commendable and a testament to the power of human forgiveness, but what that says to me is that non-negotiables really aren’t.
I have a dear, dear friend, someone who I’ve known since we were in grade school. She’s the closest thing I’ll ever have to a sister. What I am discovering about her, after more than 30 years of friendship, is that she and I approach things in life in a radically different way, particularly when it comes to our marriages. Both of us are married to men who are intense, and neither of us understands why the other puts up with our respective spouses. The difference in our marital relationships, at least as I see it, is that my husband treats me with respect where her husband doesn’t. That’s not to say my husband isn’t a huge pain in the ass a lot of the time, because he is, but I’m more likely to bite back at him than not.
My friend is much meeker. The way her husband treats her is appalling. She is, essentially, his personal servant. He’s inconsiderate, demanding. He belittles and berates her whenever he needs to blow off steam. He’s never raised a hand to her, to my knowledge, but to my thinking, he’s abusive. Which is one of my deal-breakers.
Women in abusive relationships have an uncanny ability to explain away the acts of the abuser, to soft-pedal the situation. Hey, to me it doesn’t matter if the abuse is physical or mental or emotional, it’s all still abuse. I don’t see any distinction.
We all have our reasons for keeping the status quo in our relationships, and my friend’s reasons are perfectly reasonable and compelling. She’s a stay at home mom, with few job skills, and a carefully sketched financial picture completely orchestrated by her husband. She’s completely dependent on him. She has no self-esteem left. For her to bail would be to risk everything. Everything about her situation is classic, textbook dysfunction.
The heartbreaking thing about this for me is, the only thing I can do is be there for her. I know what I would do, would have done by now, based on my perspective from the outside looking in. But counseling someone to leave their husband is not something that should be taken upon lightly. So I try to build her up every chance I get, to let her know that I think she’s worth so much more than what she’s been told she should settle for. To let her know that I believe in her, and that she can do anything she makes her mind up to do. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done for someone, just to be a silent support in what feels like an untenable situation to me.
But if she ever comes to her senses and grows a spine, she knows I’ll be there with the truck.
— Mox
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