Archive for January 29th, 2008

There are days, like yesterday, where I question the wisdom of even getting out of bed.  Then there are days, like today, where I don’t see any reason not to. 

Amazing what good nights’ sleep will do for your perspective. 

Of course the weather here is still crap.  And I’m still hopelessly behind on my to-do list. 

Is it too late to make a New Years’ Resolution?  Since Chinese New Year is coming up, I’m guessing no. 

I am going to learn to say NO to people. 

I’m on a couple of committees right now that I have no real desire to be on.  I’m on them because someone asked me to serve and I said yes.  So I’m going to finish up my commitment to them and say goodbye. 

It occurred to me yesterday that I am turning into my mother.  As much as I love that woman I had really hoped to not be so much like her.  You see, my mother is the Queen of Good Intentions.  She makes promises and then she doesn’t follow through. 

I’ve caught myself doing that exact thing.  Over the weekend my church held a planning event for families with children for the 2008 church year.  As a member of the Children’s Council at my church I should have attended.  Truth is, I didn’t want to.  So I blew it off.  And since I’m in a truth-telling mood here, the truth is, I don’t really want to be on the Children’s Council.  We are not that deeply involved in our church and I really don’t think I’m all that much help on this committee. 

So why did I agree to serve?  My pastor called and asked me and I said yes. 

One of the things that I believe is that God gently nudges me by sending me signs.  Some of these signs I don’t recognize until much later.  Now, when I say signs I don’t mean things like a single white dove descending from a rift in the clouds.  I mean I think that people and situations are put into my path for a reason, and I am to learn something from them.  So when my pastor called me about this committee I thought well, there is some reason my name came up, and so okay, I’ll do it. 

Don’t laugh.  People do all sorts of crazy stuff for less compelling reasons than that. 

I’ve gotten to the point, though, that I am searching more for the meaning in these signs more than I am just doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do. 

Why am I on this committee?  (Existentially, of course.)  At first I thought maybe it was a nudge to get more involved with church stuff, especially with Spawn in mind.  Then I thought maybe I was supposed to pull my husband into it too.  And there have been things that have surfaced in meetings that have just broken my heart and I felt maybe a nudge to forget myself already and wade in where it’s messy.  And as of late I think maybe it might be a nudge that I’m not really where I need to be, church-wise. 

Sometimes I just wish God would leave me a voice mail. 

So I don’t know.  I’m committed for the rest of the year to this committee and after that point I think I will bow out. 

Maybe the nudge is that I need to learn to say No. 

I just don’t know. 

— Mox

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