Archive for December 5th, 2007

Ok, so yesterday’s post pointed up the fact that I try to write Spawn as a genderless entity, because I am a freak-out mom who doesn’t want someone stalking my kid. 

I really do wish I felt comfortable enough to post a picture of the kid.  Very photogenic, even if I do say so myself.  And a great kid, lots of fun.  I am proud of that little person, amazed that that little person is mine. 

But I wonder:  how do you picture Spawn?  Boy or girl?  Blonde or brunette?  Blue eyes or brown eyes?  And what do you base your opinion on? 

Not, of course, that I’d tell you if you were right, wrong, or even close.  But I’m curious. 

The reality of who Spawn is means that sometimes I am a less than stellar parent.  Ok, most of the time I am a less than stellar parent.  I am not the calm, level-headed mom I always pictured myself to be.  I lose my cool far too often.  I yell.  I don’t spend enough time with the kid.  We don’t bake cookies together, or go to the zoo, or hang out at the park on a sunny day.  Our lives are closely intertwined, but also largely separate. 

Spawn is a trial most days.  And the only reason the kid is a trial is because the kid’s mom is walking a very thin line filled with “got to do” and “get it done,” while dealing with a small person hopping around her feet, going bananas.  If the kid’s mom weren’t so tightly stretched things might be a bit different.  But a lot of the time the kid’s mom feels like a Drill Instructor. 

I never set out to be the kind of mom I’ve turned out to be.  I try to soak up the moments when I can, because it’s the moments that make the life.  Right now the kid adores me regardless of how I behave.  Some day that won’t be the case. 

And I worry.  I worry that somewhere along the line the kid is going to make some poor choices that will be a smudge on the rest of the kid’s life.  The teen years are filled with much stupidity.  Will I be able to fill the kid up with confidence and self-esteem, enough to offset the mistakes that will be made?  Do I love the kid too much?  Not enough?  Am I even doing any of this right? 

Obviously I don’t need to compound the problem by giving out more biographical information than necessary on the Internet.  (The problem being, of course, that I am a freak-out mom with a stalker complex.)  So I made the choice to not even tell the kid’s gender, even though the gender of the kid would make for good blog fodder in relation to how I approach parenting.  These kids, they make you examine the contents of your head. 

But your view of Spawn’s gender, and how you arrived at that conclusion, is interesting to me.  So tell me what you think.

— Mox

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